Sometimes...

Sometimes I fear if this feeling would dissolve
With the words when I utter them.
The feeling of music, the feeling of harmony of sounds
The feeling when all my mind is filled with you
The beauty of you
Not the physical beauty but the beauty of your being
Beauty of your innocent words
Flowing out your dimpled smile
The beauty of affection
Radiated in the moistness of your eyes

Sometimes I hum this song which is but your eulogy
It's no louder than my breath or the rhythm of my heart
I keep it deliberately so
Coz this is my private song
Which keeps me company in those dark hours
When the persistent clatter of rain
Drown you in the past.
The song of you keeps me afloat
And that’s why I keep it close to me

Sometimes I feel like a thief
Keeping these words from you
Coz without you they have no meaning
Precious as they may be for my existence
To you they belong
Oh! And Do I love them inside me
I wonder what emptiness would be like
When I let them go

Sometimes I wonder about the future
When these words stumble and tumble
In a futile attempt to convey
The depths of my love
Would you treasure them as much or
Would you see the tarnish of banality?
Which years of reuse have rendered.
Would you see beyond the meanings?
And care to look into my eyes to
Dive into the ocean of my soul?

Becoming

My eyes are open yet, I not see

The desperation of our souls

The stifling of our words

The choking of our feelings

I seek, what I already have

But I know not

And strive to hug it close, so no one

Can’t take it away

This constant desire to be

In Control, the thirst for

Pastures of pleasures

Oh this conflict of being, the illusion,

Illusion that’s like a maiden, dances and sings

Pulls you, draws you to a mirage

And as you draw out your lustful hand

Only turns into a pile of sand

Like everything else

And then, in your light I become one

The purity of everything

The quiet of your invisible hand on my head

Sucking out the ideas,

Ideas of who am I

More so the Idea of who I aren’t and

Who I oughtn’t to be

And I close my eyes and in

A little tear I shed all my becoming

Nature's  fling

 

Breeze, gentle... sometimes rash... flirted with her hair... Whispered promises of distant lands... Precious rain drops sparkled on her brow... Little pearls... Her head she lifted, ever so slightly... Inviting... Slightly parted lips... gave away only half a smile... Such a tease...



 'Aren't you my girl?'...Thundered the clouds, asking...She blinked, and lowered her gaze...Speaking words she couldn't utter...She never looked up again...Her answer...pierced through his heart... in a lightening...

Pain Imprisoned

I live in the shadow of your memories; enchanted by the dawn of your departure. I want to hold on to your thoughts before they are all gone, like the morning mist disappearing with ever penetrating sun rays. When I think about you girl, my mind hesitates a little and then dives into icy cold pool of your memories. I want to write about it but this is way too divine, I am but a mere mortal. I want to look into your eyes again and let you into my mind. I hope you know how I feel, but then again I hope you don't. I want this time bound pain to last forever. I want to love you forever.

Dream or Reality

The human mind has its own way of seeking pleasure. I don’t know what triggered all these happy memories; I guess it was staying alone over the weekend. How this simple dream made me realize all the love I have had in my life, and teenage laughter, the kinds when everyone is laughing looking at each other forgetting the real reason for laughter.

The dream was about all my past roommates, who touched my soul, in strange ways. I dreamt about how T would imitate transforming into a car from a robot, after watching the movie at Regal cinema. The laughter that ensued would leave everyone rolling over the floor and onto each other in that 200 square feet apartment in nagpada. How I miss this laughter now!!

I woke up to, what seemed like cold touch of my mother’s hands, which took me straight to those shivery winter mornings; my body being dragged out of the Razai, eyes half open, half closed focusing the only dim light of the bathroom.  Mummy’s hurried steps feeding us half boiled egg and bournvita, and good bye kiss which would embarrass me. How I miss those kisses now!!

Insecurity

Insecurity is the most innate of human qualities. It is the animal instinct, since the time we were one of them. Waking up in the middle of the night by the sound of the howling wind is insecurity. The tides of time have shaped it into something more metaphysical.

Very simply put, it is fear of the unknown. We have this desire to predict the unpredictable, understand the unfathomable. We all have this desire to sort out life for ourselves, which in itself is a daunting task. Am I trying to do the same by writing this post?

From insecurity arises sense of belonging to a particular belief/community/people/nation etc. We want to shelter ourselves within the walls of this belief, closing ourselves down to other beliefs. It not only leads to proving ourselves right time and again but also proving millions others wrong. 

Insecurity and ego are like day and night. Each requires the other for its existence. From the walls of our beliefs we construct a shack of ego. Ego is the identity we build for ourselves to find security. And then your ego takes over, It shuts your thinking down. Ego makes you more insecure coz, when it is gone you are left with nothing. You hold on to it very tight, making you more insecure once it is attacked. Insecurity – Ego –more insecurity –...It is a vicious circle.

The shelter is not the solution, accepting the open air of time is. The battle of life is to be fought not by staying indoors. Take life head-on and feel the energy you gain from accepting it.  The security comes from not creating a YOU, but by accepting your being a part of the whole. Come out of what you see (or want to see) yourself as, and flow with the tides of time as if you are the wave. You are part of the Supreme Being; this is your life’s truth. Your being is your identity; you don’t have to create another one. You just have to live it.

Nightmare

In deep dark chambers of your heart, you always have a crouched being, a face so familiar that you can almost guess it. And when you explore more it is you in your worst form. You always know it, but tend to cover it with white sheets of ego. You just don’t want to see it because it is way too ugly to accept, you are way too weak to confront it. You find satisfaction in somebody else's eye, be it an illusion you created.

How do you feel when you live it day in and out? You sense the fear growing like an evening shadow. You can see it coming but can’t stop it. You try to run and hide only to feel more cornered. It is your worst nightmare and you are living it...