Pain Imprisoned

I live in the shadow of your memories; enchanted by the dawn of your departure. I want to hold on to your thoughts before they are all gone, like the morning mist disappearing with ever penetrating sun rays. When I think about you girl, my mind hesitates a little and then dives into icy cold pool of your memories. I want to write about it but this is way too divine, I am but a mere mortal. I want to look into your eyes again and let you into my mind. I hope you know how I feel, but then again I hope you don't. I want this time bound pain to last forever. I want to love you forever.

Dream or Reality

The human mind has its own way of seeking pleasure. I don’t know what triggered all these happy memories; I guess it was staying alone over the weekend. How this simple dream made me realize all the love I have had in my life, and teenage laughter, the kinds when everyone is laughing looking at each other forgetting the real reason for laughter.

The dream was about all my past roommates, who touched my soul, in strange ways. I dreamt about how T would imitate transforming into a car from a robot, after watching the movie at Regal cinema. The laughter that ensued would leave everyone rolling over the floor and onto each other in that 200 square feet apartment in nagpada. How I miss this laughter now!!

I woke up to, what seemed like cold touch of my mother’s hands, which took me straight to those shivery winter mornings; my body being dragged out of the Razai, eyes half open, half closed focusing the only dim light of the bathroom.  Mummy’s hurried steps feeding us half boiled egg and bournvita, and good bye kiss which would embarrass me. How I miss those kisses now!!

Insecurity

Insecurity is the most innate of human qualities. It is the animal instinct, since the time we were one of them. Waking up in the middle of the night by the sound of the howling wind is insecurity. The tides of time have shaped it into something more metaphysical.

Very simply put, it is fear of the unknown. We have this desire to predict the unpredictable, understand the unfathomable. We all have this desire to sort out life for ourselves, which in itself is a daunting task. Am I trying to do the same by writing this post?

From insecurity arises sense of belonging to a particular belief/community/people/nation etc. We want to shelter ourselves within the walls of this belief, closing ourselves down to other beliefs. It not only leads to proving ourselves right time and again but also proving millions others wrong. 

Insecurity and ego are like day and night. Each requires the other for its existence. From the walls of our beliefs we construct a shack of ego. Ego is the identity we build for ourselves to find security. And then your ego takes over, It shuts your thinking down. Ego makes you more insecure coz, when it is gone you are left with nothing. You hold on to it very tight, making you more insecure once it is attacked. Insecurity – Ego –more insecurity –...It is a vicious circle.

The shelter is not the solution, accepting the open air of time is. The battle of life is to be fought not by staying indoors. Take life head-on and feel the energy you gain from accepting it.  The security comes from not creating a YOU, but by accepting your being a part of the whole. Come out of what you see (or want to see) yourself as, and flow with the tides of time as if you are the wave. You are part of the Supreme Being; this is your life’s truth. Your being is your identity; you don’t have to create another one. You just have to live it.

Nightmare

In deep dark chambers of your heart, you always have a crouched being, a face so familiar that you can almost guess it. And when you explore more it is you in your worst form. You always know it, but tend to cover it with white sheets of ego. You just don’t want to see it because it is way too ugly to accept, you are way too weak to confront it. You find satisfaction in somebody else's eye, be it an illusion you created.

How do you feel when you live it day in and out? You sense the fear growing like an evening shadow. You can see it coming but can’t stop it. You try to run and hide only to feel more cornered. It is your worst nightmare and you are living it...

Will it ever end?

All the heart breaking melodies ring in my head. Your every thought makes me weak, it absorbs me and sends me spinning into this black hole of memories. And this gets triggered at random times of the day, I wonder if it will ever end.

I am looking for something to hold on to. I try to search my soul. And the deeper I go inside me, the more I feel closer to u. Your presence gives satisfaction and pain. I wonder if it will ever end.

Greatness and humility

We always hear stories of greatness, what we are never told is the thought process, the mental state during the process of achievement. It is kind of a subconscious state when mind has to empty everything else to achieve greatness. It is never really tracked.

Success and greatness is a relative term per se. Greatness is around you everywhere, in small things but we tend to accept it only when told by an authority or a lot of people. (It has something to do with inherent human nature to seek confirmation from others, many a times not trusting their own judgement.) So my point here is, when a person is achieving something great, he does it every single day, every single moment. And he is unaware of his achievement because no one really told him. And one fine morning when he is getting ready for his daily work, somebody somewhere recognizes it. And now his work is labelled as ‘great achievement’. And this poor fellow is baffled, because he doesn’t feel being great. This is primarily the reason why greatness is always accompanied by humility.

Irony of lonliness

He only felt lonely when he was happy, for happiness would fly away unnoticed. He wanted it reflected like hundred rays of sun in a mirrored room, but he could not trap it within. So he sang quietly, to the beats of his heart; he danced at every rush of blood through his veins. He dared to stay alone.

Today he dared to yearn for solitude because in his heart he knew it would bring him sorrow and peace. Most of the time he did fine in sorrows’ company, they always lingered like the hum of silence. Sorrows that made him less guilty of the times he frittered laughing, sorrows that gave him purpose, sorrows that overwhelmed him and filled his hollowness. 

Teary Eyes

She looked at me with intensity of a lover,
And walked away, nourishing her ego
I cried in agony, because I had fallen for her
And asked myself, if I could ever let go?

Every beep of my cell Phone
Is a ray of unidentified hope
Twisting, turning, curling, on the bed; alone,
I wonder if I’d ever be able to cope

My existence tumbled into a black hole
Of pleasant illusions, fighting haunting memories
Now, I live with a hanging heart and a dripping Soul
Counting my days to the end of this lease